


A Crocker-Lalonde Mixer

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Pesterlog, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Shower Sex, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-14
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 13:08:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Janey, come oooooon…a single drink isn’t going to harm you, trust me!”<br/>In which Jane visits her BFF, gets drunk, and there are shenanigans aplenty, both of the comedic and sexy variety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Crocker-Lalonde Mixer

**Author's Note:**

> This may seem obvious to many of you, but in case it isn't, I'd like to make a disclaimer here: underage drinking and sex is not something to be glorified. Teens, be very careful about what behaviours you engage in and emulate, especially if you're doing it because you think it's the mature thing to do. It's not always gonna end as hunky-dory as it does in silly fanfiction on the internet; it's usually gonna end much worse. In retrospect, had I written this in the present-day, I would have depicted the characters as being adults and probably included less alcohol; I'm leaving this fic up unedited for posterity, but I no longer agree with the original mindset behind it.

“Janey, come oooooon…a single drink isn’t going to harm you, trust me!”

Jane Crocker sat on the edge of her BFFsie’s bed, nervously holding onto a small martini glass. Roxy’s face was slightly flushed from her own drink, and one of her arms was around Jane’s shoulder. She was grinning goofily, but after only one glass she was still in full control of her cognitive faculties, even if her overly excitable demeanour suggested otherwise.

“I suppose not, but I am still being a bit of a nervous Nelly, I’m afraid.”

“Then stop being nervous and SLAM that shit, Crocker!”

Jane crossed her arms and tried to frown, but she found it quite difficult with Roxy leaning over her; her positive, if booze-fueled attitude was rather infectious.

“I can’t simply _slam_ it, this is my first alcoholic drink ever, and I do think I should—“

“Aw, come on. Don’t be a pussy! Look, you didn’t hitch a ride on a Crockercorp jet and fly down here for the week just to sit around like a boring ol’ chump and _not_ have at least one drink, did you?”

“I came down here to see _you_ , not to get drunk off my little fanny!” she said, indignantly.

“You say that like those aren’t the same thing.” Roxy said blankly, sipping on her second martini.

“True, but I still have my reservations.”

Jane shrugged off Roxy’s grip on her shoulder and set the martini down on the bedside table. She flopped backwards onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

“Come on! I up and promise you, good things will happen if you drink it. We’ll have shit-tons of fun, ok?”

“Can’t we have fun without drinking? Can’t you go a day without it?”

The room was silent, and Roxy introspective.

“It’s harder than it looks. But I’ll try tomorrow, if you try a drink tonight.”

“Well…fine. But only one.”

She hoisted herself back into a sitting position and took the glass back in hand and raised it to her lips, fingers trembling under Roxy’s eager gaze. She tipped it back and a mouthful dribbled over the rim; she swished it around, experimentally, and swallowed. She first noticed the chill, and next a rather sweet taste. It was not half bad, though it was followed by a peculiar aftertaste that she suspected was a result of the alcohol. It certainly wasn’t awful, though, and so she drained the rest of the glass.

“There. Now we can say that I too am an underage drinker. Happy?”

“Hells yes, I am!” Roxy replied with a grin, throwing her arm back around Jane’s shoulder, and offering her the most esteemed gesture of which she was capable: the ‘fist bunp’. Jane returned the bump and smiled.

“I must admit, that wasn’t half bad…may I please have another?”

Roxy’s eyes twinkled.

“Jane, honey, you can have all the drinks you want.”

* * *

The trip to visit Roxy was a hectic blur characterized by long lines at the airport and the somewhat discomforting presence of two gigantic Crockercorp Drones. The creatures, clad in scaly orange-red armor and wearing imposing expressions, arrived at her house to escort her to the airport and did not once leave her side. They were sent by the Betty Crocker corporation to ensure their heiress would remain free from harm throughout the journey, but they seemed more trouble than they were worth. It was awkward walking through huge crowds with them at her side and her father trying desperately to keep close, and it was more awkward to say their goodbyes with the Drones staring down at them.

“Now, honey, keep out of danger, don’t do anything stupid, avoid strangers at all costs, don’t—“

“Yes, I know, Dad. Don’t worry, I will be perfectly fine!” Jane rolled her eyes. Nag, nag, nag. Her father was far too concerned.

“I am just worried about you, daughter. You make me so very proud, and I couldn’t bear to see anything happen to you, so please—“

“I AM SORRY SIR,” the Drone said, in a cold and robotic voice that didn’t sound sorry at all. “WE MUST DEPART POSTHASTE. YOUR BIOLOGICALLY GENERATED DAUGHTER UNIT WILL BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS. FEAR NOT.”

Her father snuck in a quick kiss on her forehead before he was lost to the crowd, and the Crockercorp Drones marched her towards the security check. Nobody dared speak up as they cut straight to the front of the line, with Jane apologizing profusely to everyone for the inconvenience.

The plane ride was as uncomfortable as the airport trip that preceded it. The jet was spacious, occupied only by herself, the Drones, and a few Crockercorp executives, and there was a flat-screen TV embedded in the wall. It could have been a very enjoyable trip, but between the heated business talk between the execs, the turbulence around the jet, and the sight of the Drones unflinchingly staring at _Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives,_ starring John Glover Roberts Jr, Jane found herself hoping the flight would touch down as soon as possible.

After what felt like an extraordinarily long time, the flight touched down at Massena International Airport. Jane disembarked, flanked by her Drone guardians. They followed her as she retrieved her luggage, stopped at a Crocker Café for a snack, and headed to the entrance to wait for Roxy.

“JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!”

There was no wait. The moment Jane reached the lobby she was nearly deafened by an excited screech, and her eyes snapped to the source to find Roxy flying towards her as fast as her legs could carry her. She looked just like she did in the pictures she had sent Jane: she was petite, with curly silver-blonde hair, and striking pink eyes. Her shoulders were slipping out of a loose shirt with a pink cat design on it. She had on a short skirt with black leggings beneath it. All in all, she was exactly what Jane expected, only better, because she was real instead of a collection of pixels.

Roxy seemed intent on communicating her excitement through a full-contact tackle, but the Drones stopped her forcefully, pushing her away.

“HALT, SUSPECTED TERRORIST. PRESENT BETTY I.D. OR PREPARE FOR IMMEDIATE TERMINATION.”

Roxy stopped and scowled, crossing her arms.

“That girl is my best friend, mister, and you are going to let me give her a hug right fuckin’ now, ok?”

“TERMINATION IN THREE SECONDS.”

Roxy stood in place, unmoving. Jane tried to push past the Drones to no avail.

“Roxy, just show them your I.D, don’t be foolish!”

“TERMINATION IN TWO SECONDS.”

“Fine, fine…”

Grumbling, Roxy produced a small red card from her wallet and flashed it in the Drone’s face.

“TERMINATION IN—THANK YOU, MISS ‘Roxy LALONDE’. RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU ARE ON THE LIST OF ‘TRUSTWORTHY CONSORTS’. YOU ARE NOW FREE TO TAKE CUSTODY OF JANE CROCKER. FAILURE TO KEEP THE HEIRESS SAFE OVER THE COURSE OF HER TRIP WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE TERMINATION. THANK YOU, AND HAVE A NICE DAY.”

The Drones stepped aside and Roxy’s arms were wrapped around Jane in an instant. Jane staggered backwards, surprised, before returning the embrace. Roxy was warm and her smile warmer, and the terrible plane trip almost felt worth it just for the hug. Roxy finally pulled away, and Jane realized with a start that she couldn’t smell any alcohol on Roxy’s breath. For a moment she was touched, thinking that Roxy had chosen to forgo drinking so that she would be sober for their first meeting, but then it occurred to her that Roxy just wanted to avoid conflict with Drones. Underage drinking was, according to a recently-passed Crockercorp law, a penalty subject to instant termination. Jane thought it was a little harsh, to say the least. Roxy was convinced that it was a direct attack on her.

Roxy pulled away from Jane and studied her carefully. It looked as though she was trying to decide what to say first. Jane was half-expecting the usual ‘how are you?’ or a ‘nice to meet you!’, but given Roxy’s personality she wasn’t at all surprised to hear instead:

“Wow, Jane, you’re even sexier in person!”

“Oh, come off it! No need to tease me like that.”

Roxy looked offended. “Who’s teasing? You’ve got curves in aaaaall the right places!”

Jane shook her head and chuckled, reaching over to take her suitcase from the Drone, and then bidding it goodbye. The typical Lalonde flattery might make another girl blush but it held no sway with her after over a year of hearing it – or, more accurately, reading it on a computer screen. She just swatted Roxy lightly on the arm.

“Where to? I don’t suppose Ms. Lalonde is here to pick us up?”

Roxy’s face fell, and she began walking towards the exit at a brisk pace.

“No…too fuckin’ busy with some book signing to bother giving her daughter a lift to see her best friend. Whatevs, she hired us some tricked-out limo instead. It’s this way, c’mon.”

The bad mood passed fleetingly and she smiled again. She slowed down just enough to let Jane catch up, and then took her by the hand and dragged her towards the street. She led Jane to a stretch limo that awaited them outside the airport, and signalled towards the driver. He popped open the trunk and together they heaved Jane’s suitcase into the back, and then they slid into the backseat together.

“So, Janey, didja hear about Di-Stri’s latest project?”

“No – do tell, Ro-Lal!”

Throughout the ride home, Roxy didn’t stop gossiping to Jane about their other friends, or talking about how much fun they would have, or how terrible her mother was. And she never let go of Jane’s hand, either.

* * *

“Shhhhhshhh don’t laugh, he’ll hear you! He’s about to pick up!”

One limo ride, a few hours, and a few drinks later, Jane and Roxy were gathered around Roxy’s cell phone. In a drunken flight of fancy they had attempted to prank call D. Strider, only for them to realize partway through the conversation that his autoresponder had picked up the phone. Jane was highly amused, but Roxy had insisted that it was a failure, and so they resolved to call his father instead and hope for better results.

“Hello, sir,” Jane said, trying to stifle her giggles. “I am calling from the Crockercorp General Electric Branch, and I’d like to ask if your refrigerator is currently running.”

There was a moment of silence as Mr. Strider cleared his throat, and then he spoke. Or, more accurately, rapped:

 

yeah that little fucker was a sucker

thought he could run

but he was done

made a beeline for the stairs who cares youd think

just buy a new one

youve got the dough but no

it was more than just a matter fiscal

its a matter of fuckin principle

no fridge is gonna flee from me from strider you dont abscond

so chase it i did and that fridge well it panicked

went tumbling ass backwards down stairs ‘bout which i warned it

cracked its skull started bleedin’ refrigerator fluid

its ruined it is toast

i need to renew it

so the question im askin

if youre up to the challenge

is can you crockercorp drones come down here and fix my fridge??

 

There was a stunned silence, the two of them gaping at the phone. Neither of them could think of anything to say. Finally, Jane burst into another fit of laughter.

_Click._

* * *

_  
_

Jane was on her way back to Roxy’s room from the bathroom when Ms. Lalonde arrived home. She was dressed in a conservative lavender coat, her hair tucked back with a headband, and a novel tucked under her arm. The red cover suggested that it was her latest hit, _Knight of Time_ , which was the 3rd book in a planned tetralogy. She smiled gently when she noticed Jane.

“Hello, Ms. Crocker. I am pleased to make your acquaintance. My daughter speaks quite highly of you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too!” Jane managed after some concentration. Ms. Lalonde stopped and sniffed at the air for a moment, regarding Jane curiously.

“You…have been drinking. Haven’t you?”

Jane nodded guiltily.

“Care is requisite when alcohol is involved. Don’t overdo it.”

She began towards her room.

“Then why do you leave it out?” Jane shouted at her, more loudly than she intended. “Why do you let your daughter drink all the time?”

Ms. Lalonde paused and furrowed her brows, as though she was trying to think of exactly the right thing to say. Finally, she seemed to settle on something. She looked Jane straight in the eyes, and said,

“A mother will do whatever is best for her children.”

Ms. Lalonde stalked off with her book in hand, but her enigmatic answer lingered in the air long after she left.

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] –

TG: jake

TG: jaaaaaaaaaake

TG: earth 2 hunyk island man

TG: *honk

TG: *hunky

TG: r u there

TG: speak now or 4ever hold ur piece

GT: Yes Roxy i am here and i apologize for the wait!

GT: This goshdarned helmet takes far too long to get equipped but ill be a monkeys uncle if it isnt worth it to look this spiffing.

GT: What is it that youre pestering me about?

TG: its not me with soething to say acutally

TG: janes here nadf she has something 2 tell u

TG: *and, hoyl shit typo

GT: Oh yes jane told me that the two of you would be staying together.

GT: This sounds like the prime opportunity for shenanigans to ensue so that had better be a thing thats happening right now!

GT: If not i will be a far furlong beyond disappointed in you ladies.

TG: oh yes shanignans r happening allright

TG: *shanignnenes

TG: *shanahan

TG: *whatevs

TG: hang on let me putr her on

TG: Helloj, Ake.

GT: Pardon me?

TG: Oh, for heavens saje, I’m having trouble typign right now.

TG: I may havei mbibef too mucuh liquor.

TG: *Imbibed, much

GT: I would say so.

GT: Your vernacular is flapping about all over the chat window like theres no tomorrow!

GT: Dont go hurting yourself by drinking too much.

TG: I’ll b fine. Hoo hoo@

GT: Alright.

GT: But are you sure it’s a good idea to be pestering me about this when your mind is all hornswoggled like this?

TG: No, it’s probaby not.

TG: BUt Lalonde insits onyou and I having a conversation right noww, so that Is going to happn wherther my drunken mind likes it or not! >:B

TG: *Many typos, you can ssursedly recognize them

GT: Its got to be an important revelation then if it simply cant wait!

GT: *Sits down, adjusts his collar, and prepares for a shocking twist*

TG: Don’t be oeerdramatic, it’s not that big a deal!

TG: I just

TG: well

TG: have to tell you that……

TG: No your’e right I should nto be doing this while drunek! What am i thinking?

GT: Dont worry jane i can wait to hear it, whatever it is.

GT: Go de-discombobulate yourself and then we shall talk.

TG: NOOOOOOooOO

GT: Hm?

GT: Now whats happening!

TG: its me again

TG: rolal me not jane me

TG: cuz janes pussying out on me

GT: May i wager a guess that there is some sort of mathematical percentage that adequately describes the likelihood of her pussying out on you?

TG: yeah its 100 PPERFUCKIFNGCENT

TG: *per

TG: *fcuking

TG: *cent

TG: look she wuz goikhn 2 tell you

TG: that sheuirhj87

TG: rth

GT: Now what in the codswalloping dickens is going on here.

TG: rthjrtuhdpjgodigrto%$t

TG: erhgdkflgj jane stopr ittrhugdfgij

TG: shes triynb prkthkrptghk fuckigtnpthkfgpohkfpghbfg

TG: OTYTJ

GT: I am so confused.

TG: Sorry, Jake, I was tryifn to keep Rola-l away from thhjtyihhefsd

TG: euhigih4ui8o5u8yh

GT: Er.

TG: JAKE U GOTTA HELPRl

TG: shes attkaicng me

GT: Ro-lal does this happen to have anything to do with janes, um, “affections” for me?

TG: NO UDNTO LET HER SEE

TG: jth50j0UJH056JH9RTIJREIOHD

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] –

GT: …

GT: What in the flippin fuck was that all about?

* * *

Roxy’s laptop lay on the ground, knocked over by their fight. Jane was sitting on the bed, clutching a bump on her head and grimacing. A dull, light pain throbbed through her skull every few seconds. Roxy, sprawled out on the floor with her shirt hanging loosely around her waist and a rip in her leggings.

“O-M-G, Jane, where did that come from? I thought you were gonna tell him you had the hottzors for him!”

“Ugh…the what?” Jane groaned. Chatspeak was not her strong suit.

“A crush, Janey! A crush!”

Yes, of course she had a crush on Jake! That was nothing new.

“Well…I…”

Roxy brushed herself off and moved to sit next to Jane.

“Look, Jaaaaaane, you can tell me how you feel. I’m your best friend! What’s on your mind?”

_I like you._

The phrase was there in an instant, at the tip of Jane’s tongue. It had always been there, the entire night it had been swimming there in her mind, just beneath the surface, and now with alcohol coursing through her veins it was ready to burst out. There were little hints – from the way Roxy shouted her name to the warmth she felt when they held hands to the little hint of sadness in Roxy’s expression every time she mentioned her crush on Jake, and the little thump of her heart every time Roxy smiled…

Roxy liked her. And she liked Roxy back.

_But I could never tell her that. I didn’t have the will to tell Jake, I can’t tell Roxy either._

_Yes you can,_ said the alcohol, and she knew it was right. It could help her do what, sober, she couldn’t.

Her fingers waggled and clambered up Roxy’s arm like a spider and she rested them on her shoulder. She leaned in very close, so close their lips were almost touching, and Roxy’s bright pink eyes were right next to hers. Jane’s face was flushed, not with embarrassment, but with drunkenness, though under any other circumstances the opposite would be true. In a singsong voice, she whispered,

“Do you reaaaally want to know how I feel, Rox?”

Roxy leaned back a little bit, seeming somewhat uncomfortable if only because of Jane’s sudden change in demeanour. Determination still glinted from behind her glazed-over eyes.

“Duh.”

Using her hand at Roxy’s shoulder, Jane pushed the girl down onto her bed. She leaned over her, her legs opening around Roxy’s waist to straddle her, and her face hung only inches away from Roxy’s, their lips nearly together once more.

“Yes. I do like him. Buuuuut…he’s not the only one I like.”

She let herself drop just the tinest bit more, and kissed Roxy. It seemed like the natural thing to do. She could taste the martini on her friend’s lips, and something else…something more intimately Lalonde, like a hint of a smell or even a bit of personality etched into those lips, as though they contained the very essence that made her want more than just friendship. She pulled back and Roxy seemed dazed, staring straight into her eyes with a shocked expression. Her chest was heaving and Jane suspected her heart was racing, too.

 _What are you doing?_ whispered a little rational voice in her head, that sounded almost like a grandmother. _Have you gone bonkers? You could plum ruin this friendship, don’t go rushing into something like this!_

 _Oh, shove it,_ said the alcohol.

“Jane, what…I…” Roxy was having difficulty articulating.

“…well, you’re supposed to kiss someone if you like ‘em, correct?” Jane asked, her speech a little slurred, excitement and the martinis conspiring against her.

There was a moment of stark silence, Roxy staring at Jane, unsure how to feel…and then she allowed herself to relax, and smiled behind half-lidded, drunken eyes.

“Oh yesss you fucking are.” she said, and as her arms wrapped around Jane she let her in for another kiss.

Jane marveled at the sweet taste again, and with Roxy fully willing this time she found a tongue knocking at her teeth. This was no time for shyness, she told herself, and she opened her mouth, and let Roxy’s tongue meet hers. In her every gasping breath she inhaled Roxy’s scent, like flowers dipped in alcohol. They met fiercely, and sloppily, noses and foreheads banging together, her hands roaming all across Roxy’s back and legs, and she yelped when a hand suddenly grabbed onto her rump and gave it a squeeze. The saner part of her mind was screaming but with lust and drinks pumping through her veins she did not heed it; she instead shifted to the side so she could take hold of Roxy’s bra and unhook it.

That was when the doorknob turned, clicked, and the door swung open.

“I thought it prudent to offer you two an array of snacks be…fore…” Ms. Lalonde trailed off into a small, barely audible, _oh,_ and blushed furiously.

Roxy screamed something unintelligible; Jane, with her prankster’s gambit full to bursting, turned to look Ms. Lalonde dead in the eye and with a completely straight face uttered perhaps the only thing she would regret that night.

“Care to join us, Ms. Lalonde?”

Ms. Lalonde’s mouth opened and closed a few times as she was left, for once, completely wordless. The door slammed shut and she skittered down the hall.

“Ho-lee shit, Jane, you didn’t mean that did you?” Roxy asked, more shocked than when Jane had confessed her feelings.

“Er, course not, silly!” said Jane. It was mostly true. “It was just a prank!”

“Good, cauuuse I am L-M-F-A-O so hard at that, it’shh a really really good prank!” Roxy’s speech was slurred, a night’s worth of alcohol finally taking its full effect on her. She grinned at Jane and stuck her tongue out. “An’ now you got my mom taken care of, make the fuck out with me already!”

“Gladly!” Jane replied, giggling. Her body was hot, from alcohol and arousal, and she was more than happy to return to tasting Roxy’s wonderful lips. She enjoyed kiss upon kiss, tugging at Roxy’s lips, sloppily catching her nose or cheek every now and then. She fumbled with Roxy’s bra and removed it, revealing two small, pale mounds tipped with erect nipples. She gave each one a quick kiss and knew from the way that her partner’s breath hitched up that she enjoyed it. Roxy’s hands found the hem of her shirt and pulled it up just enough to expose her chest, her glasses were knocked to the floor, and soon both bras were lying aside, both girls mostly topless and desperate for their lips to meet again.

Jane’s hand slipped beneath Roxy’s skirt and found its way beneath her leggings. She brushed it against the moist slit and giggled as Roxy gasped, her back arching up. “J-Jane…please…” Roxy moaned, and Jane took it as a sign to push one finger in and curl it. Her thumb roamed for a while before she finally found the nub she was looking for and she rolled over it, grinning at Roxy’s shaky reaction. She added another finger, and with two pumping in and out, Roxy seemed high with ecstasy. Jane’s fingers became wetter and wetter with every thrust and Roxy’s small gasps and moans gave way to loud, pleasured sighs. She bit down on her lip and ground her hips up against Jane’s hand, her pussy hot, clamping down around her fingers, and with a stifled moan and a sudden shudder she reached her peak. She wrapped her arms tightly around Jane and held on as her body bucked up, so petite in comparison to Jane. Her movements eventually slowed and she lay back on the bed, her chest heaving, her eyes locked on Jane. Jane pulled her hand away and examined the wetness that was staining it, and smiled.

“You’re simply adorable when you moan…know that?”

Roxy’s eyes fluttered shut and she was silent for a while. When she finally spoke her response was not to acknowledge Jane, but to beg for more.

“Get…these clothes…off me…and _screw_ me…”

Their clothes hit the floor with an almost erotic-sounding shuffle and they were upon each other again. Jane hooked a leg around one of Roxy’s and pulled her in close and with an electrifying tingle they were pressed flush against one another, both sets of lips meeting passionately. Roxy moaned into Jane’s mouth and they convulsed, running their arms over each other’s backs, giggling and gasping as their pussies touched, delighting in each other’s company. In the midst of their tangled, naked bodies, and the moaning and the wet _schlick_ ing sounds from between their legs, and with pleasure and alcohol thudding through her, Jane wasn’t sure when Roxy reached her second climax, and if she had a third. She knew when she reached her own, though, because the most amazing jolt seared her spine and her entire body shuddered and she knew she wanted more, to keep touching Roxy, to keep feeling her and _fucking_ her. She knew when she reached her second orgasm too, because after the shivering and gasping for air and the wonderful tingle subsided, a pleasant, drunken warmth enveloped her and she began to feel tired, until eventually exhaustion took her, and she fell asleep in her best friend’s arms.

* * *

Jane awoke to the sound of running water and an unpleasant buzz in her head. She had not had quite enough liquor the night previous to give her a strong hangover, but her mind was pounding nonetheless. She looked around groggily to find that she had fallen asleep in Roxy’s bed after…after they had…

 _Oh my word, what did I_ do _last night?_

She pulled herself into a sitting position, panic bubbling up in her mind. Roxy was nowhere to be seen, but there was a note on the nightstand that looked like it was from her. It sat beside a full glass of water. Jane picked up the note and examined it:

 

janey

last night was super ~~fuck~~ fun but ur going to have 1 hell of a hangover in the mornin i think so here take this water and ~~drank~~ drink up

then u gotta meet me in the ~~shwower shoer~~ SHOWER so get ur hot ass over there asap or else

-ro lal

ps U R REALLY GREAT IN BED LIKE HOYL SHIT

 

Blushing, Jane quickly crumpled up the note and lobbed it into the trashcan, to make sure that Ms. Lalonde would never lay eyes on it. She downed the glass of water; it eased her headache and cooled her body, but did nothing to assuage her red face. She stepped out of bed and stood up, looking around. She was naked, with hers and Roxy’s clothes scattered around in the sheets and on the floor. She skittered over to the door and peeked out into the hallway. It was deserted, but she still wrapped the bedsheet around herself before scurrying off to the bathroom.

The door was unlocked, so she opened it and stepped inside. The room was steamed up and the walls of the shower were foggy and covered in droplets. Roxy’s bare form, too blurry to make out, was moving about inside the shower. As soon as Roxy noticed Jane’s entry, she threw open the door to the shower. Jane was blindsided by the sight of Roxy’s naked breasts, dripping with water, and her slender legs, spread out with her muff just barely visible in-between. Without last night’s drunken haze to obscure the sight, Jane grew so red she nearly fainted.

“Jane, you made it!” Roxy shouted, and before Jane had the chance to pull back she darted forwards and pulled her friend into a deep kiss. Jane’s bedsheets slipped down and she kissed back, a hand wandering low to squeeze one of Roxy’s cheeks. The girl yelped and giggled as she pulled away from the kiss for a breath. She took Jane by the hand and led her into the shower, sliding the door shut behind them.

“So, um, why did you ask me to shower with you?”

Roxy grinned mischievously.

“Because you and I got so dirty last night, duh!”

Jane sputtered in the absence of the previous night’s alcohol-fuelled courage. Roxy seemed delighted that the tables had turned. She hummed a jaunty tune to herself, bending over to pick up a bottle of shampoo and affording Jane a long look at her rear. Jane gulped, unable to look away.

“M-my word, Lalonde, you have a really—“

“Nice ass?” Roxy interjected, as she stood upright. She poured a smattering of soap into her hands and lathered it up before moving behind Jane.

“My wording would’ve been less crude, but you’ve got the gist of it.”

Roxy’s hands found Jane’s hair and she rubbed the soap into it, running her hands through every little tousle and strand, massaging the shampoo into her scalp. She spent minutes carefully tending to every spot, the hair tucked behind Jane’s ears, down by her neck, and by the bangs. She nearly slipped a few times, but tried her best to keep steady and treat Jane’s hair with kid gloves. Jane squeezed her eyes shut as Roxy rinsed out all the shampoo, and then ruffled her hair.

“Whoo! I could totally do this for a living, am I right?”

Jane chuckled, and smiled. She was surprised at how tenderly Roxy had worked, and how clean her hair felt.

“You’re better than I expected.”

“That’s just ‘cause you never expect anything of me!” Roxy quipped.

“That’s not true,” Jane replied, a little hurt. “I expect you to be a good friend, and you surpass my expectations by far, all the time.”

Roxy circled back aground to Jane’s front and kissed her briefly on the cheek before moving lower.

“I guess you do know how to make me feel better, sometimes…thanks, Janey.”

Her lips trailed down to Jane’s chest. She gave each nipple a firm, wet kiss, that was almost a suckle. Jane gasped lightly as pleasure pulsed around her breasts, the sound lost amongst the gentle _hiss_ of the shower. Roxy sunk lower, kissing her way down Jane’s stomach, her arms tracing along the curves of Jane’s waist, down past the hips. Roxy looked up at Jane, grinned playfully and flittered her tongue, and then pushed her head between Jane’s legs.

“Oh…ohhhhh…” Jane backed up and her cheeks pressed against the cold shower wall, sending a shiver up her spine. Roxy pressed onwards, dragging her tongue along Jane’s muff with a slow, torturous pace. Jane shuddered and moaned as Roxy worked away at her, the heat slowly building. Water from the shower splashed down around them and a fluid of a different sort trickled down Jane’s legs. Her knees went weak and she tousled her fingers through Roxy’s hair for support, leaning over her head. Roxy smiled and pulled away for a moment to lick her lips before directing her attention upwards and tapping her tongue against the little, erect nub above Jane’s slit. The sudden jolt at her clitoris sent Jane’s hips bucking forwards against Roxy’s mouth, and electricity ripping through her.

Roxy kept going, tracing sloppy circles around the bulb before moving back down. Her tongue parted Jane’s pussy lips and dove right in, sliding along her walls before pulling away with a ~pop~. She returned to her excruciatingly slow licks and Jane quivered and gasped, her breath hitching up. Roxy was unfettered despite the water splashing against her head and dripping down her eyes whenever she pulled away for breath. Her tongue hot and heavy against Jane’s muff, she slathered her affection upon it in messy kisses and blissful strokes, and _god_ it felt good. Jane’s head swam, the headache she once felt giving way to pleasure, to a building ecstasy, her pussy buzzing with warmth and wetness.

“Nghh…Rox, I’m…n-nearing orgasm…” she managed between heaving breaths. Roxy said nothing in response, but surely heard it, because she increased her pace. Tongue flicking quickly along the lips and nearly vibrating above them, she quickly brought Jane to a shuddering climax. Her entire body tingling, Jane moaned loudly and let her head hang back as she orgasmed. Time seemed to crawl to a standstill as Roxy lightly continued her tongue movements, and eventually pulled away, beaming. She hiccupped and fell forwards towards Jane and their lips met, and soon they were entangled with each other, Jane doing her best to keep upright through kiss after sloppy kiss. Finally, Roxy seemed to have had enough. Jane rested her head against Roxy’s shoulder, chest heaving.

“Told you good things’d happen if you had a drink,” Roxy whispered, as she kissed Jane softly on the forehead.

Jane had to agree, and, as was often the case these days, was glad to have believed her best friend.

* * *

“Hey, you wanna snack? Another drink?”

Roxy’s voice, louder than necessary and sounding more drunk than necessary too, echoed from the kitchen. Jane emerged from the bedroom wearing fresh clothes, her hair still slightly damp from the shower, and made her way downstairs.

“A snack would be wonderful, thank you very much! The alcohol, on the other hand, is a no. I had my fill last night, I think. And so did you, for that matter!”

She entered the kitchen to the sight of Roxy filling up a martini glass. Jane opened her mouth to berate her, but noticed that she was holding a bottle of sparkling apple juice. The girl had kept her word; she was sober. Jane smiled, and when Roxy noticed her enter, she perked up too.

“Alright, what you want? We’ve got loads of anything, say something and chances are good my mom bought it one day.” Roxy glanced derisively at a spice rack and mumbled, “What even is sumac, anyway, and why do we need any?”

“I’ll just look in the fridge and…hm?”

Jane stopped. There was a note addressed to her and attached to the fridge in a gaudy magnetic frame that appeared to be wizard themed. The note was written on official-looking stationary. The message itself, however, was anything but official.

 

_Dearest Jane,_

_I have given careful consideration to the sexual endeavour you so kindly propositioned yesternight. At the time I took it to be drunken fancy, but the idea has since grown on me most unexpectedly. Should you and my daughter still desire the forbidden, teleiophiliac fruit that you seek, I am more than willing to entertain you. Please, visit me in my room posthaste. You can trust me when I say you won’t be leaving until you are thoroughly soaked._

_All my love,_

_~Rose Lalonde_

 

_  
_

The further she read the more discomforted Jane got. Her face went pale and she managed to croak out an, “…oh sweet heavens”, clutching at her chest and retreating in shock. Roxy investigated the letter and when she finished she groaned, “Oh, god, why?”

They stood there in shocked silence for quite some time before Jane finally resigned herself to her fate.

“I’ve got to go clear up this misunderstanding, before...before your mother does something she will regret.”

“No, Jane, don’t go! She’s got dark majyyks, I’m sure of it! She’s going to seduce--”

“Oh, shut it!”

Jane steeled herself and marched down to Ms. Lalonde’s room. She was afraid – not of dark seduction, but of the sight that might be awaiting her when she entered. After moments of deliberation, she swallowed, readied her mind, and opened the door.

The bucket over the door trick was one of the oldest ones in the book, but somehow, Jane didn’t see it coming. It all seemed to happen in slow motion – she saw Ms. Lalonde grin, and realized something was wrong, and looked up far too late. There was a soft _twang_ of a hidden wire and a sudden _whoosh_ of freezing water cascading from above her head, and her prankster’s gambit was decimated.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by quickly: Jane endured a lecture on proper bedroom conduct – namely, on _not_ inviting her best friend’s mom for a _ménage a trois_ , no matter how drunk she was – and congratulated Ms. Lalonde on a prank well played. She changed into new clothes. She refused multiple drinks from Roxy, and accepted multiple apologies for “that heartless witch’s behaviour”. She ate a dinner that, at the very least, wasn’t as awkward as it would have been if Ms. Lalonde had been serious about her earlier invitation. And finally, she watched as Roxy fell asleep in her arms, breathing softly, mumbling something about apple martinis.

By the time she too began to drift off into slumber, she was certain about two things:

Firstly, she _would_ have her revenge on Ms. Lalonde.

And secondly, even though she would have to leave at the end of the week, even though she still wished that Roxy would curb her drinking habit, and even though the thought of a certain Jake English still set her heart aflutter…she treasured her time at Roxy’s house, and she was more than overjoyed to spend time with a friend whom she loved so dearly.


End file.
